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Job Posting and Interview Cliches Translated

22 days ago

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“Looking for a Rockstar” = you’re going to have no work/life balance here and we will underpay you. “Must be able to ‘roll up your sleeves and get your hands dirty’” = we expect you to do your work and everyone else’s, but we’re only going to pay you the bare minimum. “Family environment ” = we’re extremely toxic and promote nepotism. “You will wear many hats/be a Jack of all trades” = you’ll be confused about your job responsibilities because we are going to make it purposefully vague in order to get you to do extra work for the same pay. In fact, we don’t even really know what your job is....we just need someone to do all of the shit we don’t feel like doing. “You have a ‘can do’ attitude” = we hired you to work, not to have opinions. We need a ‘yes man’, not a thinker. “You are deadline driven/approach your work with a sense of urgency” = you’re going to have panic attacks on a daily because we are going to put you under a ton of pressure. Feel free to add to the list! ETA: I almost forgot my favorite! “You have experience working in a startup environment” = we are a total shit show. No one here knows what the fuck they are doing and that’s probably because senior leadership has even less experience than you do, dear candidate (but don’t worry, they get paid very well...you won’t though cause we’re broke teehee). We’re going to need you to say goodbye to your friends, family and life, because we need you working 24/7 until this mess we made is cleaned up enough to somewhat resemble a functioning company.




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Comments
  • DefectiveDonkey

    After careful consideration = this is an automated rejection


    22 days ago
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    • NotGonna_Lie2U

      So true 😫


      22 days ago

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  • shaoting

    Don't forget the obligatory "Work hard, play hard" = you will put in a minimum of 55 - 60 hours per week, especially if you're salaried. You will also be expected to work nights and weekends. But don't worry, though. Once per month we go out to Applebee's for a mandatory happy hour/team building exercise!


    22 days ago
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    • invitrobrew

      "We cater lunch every day and have a 'fun room' in the office!" = You are basically going to live here.


      22 days ago

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  • Toltec123

    The "we are a big family" one is extremely accurate.


    22 days ago
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  • his_rotundity_

    These are spot on. We need a jobs dictionary.


    22 days ago
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    • BaristanSelmy

      A modern "Devil's Dictionary" for late capitalism.


      22 days ago

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  • lazyweightloss

    This is hilarious!!!


    22 days ago
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    • NotGonna_Lie2U

      Glad you got a laugh out of it! Sadly, it’s funny cause it’s all true 😭


      22 days ago

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  • getoutgirl

    Yes, please come help us put out our dumpster fire of a company following our precise directions because our way is the only right way and this is how we've been doing it since we started.


    22 days ago
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  • meeshandstuff

    "We are a family" = we are a cult & expect you to fully submit to our will, live in the office and your own family & friends no longer exist.


    22 days ago
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  • topazsunset

    The first one is basically them screaming 'we laugh at fart noises and if you don't make them with us, you're a bore!' No thanks to the childish loon who wrote that they're looking for a rockstar! What next, their princess in an ivory tower once Susan quits her job in accounts? The fourth one is so spot on! I despise that one the most. Can do attitude is also right, and I think this one also links in to the bubbly personality needed.


    22 days ago
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    • NotGonna_Lie2U

      Yes! “Requirements: You have a bubbly personality” = we are a cult and you better drink the fucking kool aid


      22 days ago

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  • BloodyLena

    These are quite helpful. Especially for first time job seekers who are eager to start.


    22 days ago
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  • yourscreennamesucks

    If you see "other duties as assigned" you will be mostly doing grunt work.


    22 days ago
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    • NotGonna_Lie2U

      So true lol. That or “other ad-hoc responsibilities”. That means they’re winging it and your job will change hour to hour based on whatever fires need to be put out at the moment.


      22 days ago

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  • leezahfote

    You can change direction at a moments notice = someone is going to yell at you and ask you to interrupt your work to fix something minor


    22 days ago
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  • Alissan_Web

    Tiktok.


    22 days ago
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  • borate58

    Love that startup environment stuff. Totally on point hahaha.


    22 days ago
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  • biochemnerd12

    I heard this one or something along the lines of it: "We are committed to promoting and advocating for diversity or a diverse workforce." To me, that translates to that we have a discrimination/civil rights issue or there are a lot of microaggressions that occur so we need to, for legal reasons tackle our issues. For reference, I am a South Asian woman. I had one boss even dismissively try to tell me he is "All for advocating for woman and all that," while waving a hand as if it wasn't important or inconsequential and that sort of bothered me


    22 days ago
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  • Altruistic-Fox-2742

    I'm cracking up! These are so accurate!


    22 days ago
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  • Certain_Pea_8048

    When any company has an ad that is a few paragraphs about how wonderful they are...RUN.


    22 days ago
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  • ausbluee

    but it’s inevitable to have some of these show up in job listings, especially ‘assigned ad hoc work’😭


    21 days ago
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