Leaving my son for a job

2 months ago

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Scientistinvent92

Has anyone ever had to make the choice of leaving their family for work willingly? I am in a predicament where I was offered a job in Washington DC area. The money would be phenomenal. I’d live on the outskirts in a smaller town in Virginia. I’d be leaving Colorado. My biggest issue with this is my ex is one of the most terrible people I have ever encountered. So trying to make arrangements with my 10 year old boy just wouldn’t work. I’d potentially have to go to court and most likely lose, or just not even waste my time and make an agreement with her to see him in the summers only. We currently have a 50/50 arrangement. He would like to go with me, but I’d never put the burden of his mom on him. His life with me we currently have a 5 bedroom house and it’s just us. With his mom he shares bedroom with 2 other boys and the husband doesn’t work at all. He never gets to see his mom and she forces his step siblings on him. Anyways, I just need some advice. I’m stuck in a spot where I want to go, but I don’t want to regret leaving him. Sometimes I feel like I’ve been living for nothing else but this court custody based life.


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  • RSherlockHolmes

    Depending on his age, his opinion on where he wants to live could go a long way in court. I'd definitely go to court and try to get full custody to take him with me before I'd just leave without even trying.

    2 months ago950

  • junior4l1

    To be honest with you, I'd fight the court and all for full custody. Also, candor as well as consistency go a long way with your children, being honest and talking to them while following through with promises will mean more than just seeing them 24/7. I won't say what to choose, but so long as you show commitment and dedication then your son will love you and be happy.

    2 months ago1441

    • CrazyCaterpillar22

      If you’re gonna be making that much more money, I’d say show the judge your son will be better off with you. It’s obvious your son will have a better life with you

      2 months ago13

  • PaisFigo

    Why wouldn't you hire a lawyer and fight?

    2 months ago371

    • Scientistinvent92

      So I had fought for 5 years. I was originally given 50/50 when he was 2. At the age of 4 he was taken from me. I only got to see him every other weekend. And mind you, he is a daddy’s boy thru and thru. This almost ended my entire life. The way she won was by filing multiple motions claiming abandonment when I had never left. But what she was doing was not serving me the copy of the motion she filed, therefore not being able to respond. Eventually the courts believed her after the 3 motion and she won. I was so young at the time I had no idea how any of this worked. I hired an attorney but was always in defense. Paying my attorney just to not lose what I had. Never missing a weekend with him I fought for years and eventually won. Now we are in 50/50 and going to court sounds absolutely terrible, especially knowing no matter what the courts will most likely pick his mother.

      2 months ago18

  • BusinessForeign7052

    At 10 he can speak in court about what he wants. Also what I did was freed my ex from child support. He didn't have to pay a dime anymore and I left the country. He gets to see his son on holidays and be the fun parent. Leaving my baby is not an option for me.

    2 months ago260

  • BustyRutthole

    I would suggest you continue to prioritize your son. You can find another job, you can't get back time with your son if you leave him.

    2 months ago200

  • ccg0306

    For me personally it would be a hard no - I’d never, ever leave my kids. As you stated, the courts will side with the mom and custody would almost definitely go to her if you go that route. Put yourself in your kid’s shoes. How would they feel if their parent left them at this age? I think you could probably figure something out where you don’t leave him and you get a better job.

    2 months ago411

    • OneJumpSummer

      I'd stay put too. More $ is nice. You can better support your kid that way. But I could never imagine not being involved in the day to day things for my child, even for an amazing opportunity. I'd resent my parent if they did the same and I'd never forgive myself as a parent for leaving.

      2 months ago12

  • mecku85

    This was a similar situation with me, my ex and our kids. He left them and it's been several years and our oldest doesn't want anything to do with him and the youngest is headed in that direction. Fight for your kid but do not leave him, long term it will cause major damage in your relationship. As much as I don't like my ex, I wish he would have chosen differently the kids sakes.

    2 months ago80

  • little_one7

    As someone who’s dad was always gone for work, I would have rather had him there than any extra money brought in because of him being gone. But that’s just me

    2 months ago80

  • DLS3141

    I have lived this for the past 15 years. The answer for me always was a hard “no”. My commitment to my kids exceeds any possible personal benefits to my career. It would be impossible to be present in their lives the way I want/need to be if I live hundreds of miles away.

    2 months ago90

  • throwaymoneyQ

    Got to be honest, I can’t believe this is even an option for you. You’re asking if you should take a job in exchange for never seeing your son? I understand you’re frustrated by the custody situation, but you are responsible for this child for at least the next eight years. You know his life with his mom isn’t good and you’re somehow willing to leave him anyway? For money? No, you shouldn’t take the job. But yes, you should go to therapy to deal with the frustration and other feelings that the custody battles have caused you. And you should seek support groups and legal help to understand what other options you have. But giving up is not on the table if you love your son.

    2 months ago210

  • Browncoat101

    I feel you, OP, the good money would be worth so much and help secure your son’s future, BUT I just put myself in the kid’s shoes and I would be so devastated if my dad left me in that terrible situation and wonder if he would ever come back. I don’t know what I would do in your shoes but I think you should really really consider if it’s possible to stay in CO to be nearby. Even something a couple hours away would be better than moving all the way to the east coast.

    2 months ago200

  • terpischore761

    Go and talk to a decent family lawyer. You can do research by looking up their Avvo rating. You could absolutely win full custody especially since you can show that you have a good job and your son is old enough for his wishes to take precedence.

    2 months ago60

  • feastday

    As a mom with a 9 year old son who’s dad recently moved out of state, some of these comments blow my mind. No, you shouldn’t leave your son.

    2 months ago60

  • thatshowitisisit

    Please don’t leave your son with your shitty Ex and her shitty new family. The courts might actually listen to what he wants!

    2 months ago30

  • Not-A-Wage-Slave

    I would love to move, but would likely lose custody of my son. No amount of money or lifestyle improvement will take me from him.

    2 months ago90

  • benicebitch

    What the hell man why were you even entertaining a job out of state? You have 1 job. Dad. Everything else you do is in support of that. Then again if she's this fucked up, she might be willing to give you full custody in exchange for cash.

    2 months ago110

  • pumpkins_n_mist15

    I think hold off on the out of state job for now and stay close to your son at least till he's a bit older. That being said, my father was not present for a lot of my childhood, he was gone for years, but I knew he would come back and he was doing it so that I could have a good life. Even as a young child I knew I wasn't abandoned. (My parents didn't divorce, he just had a job that made him move a lot and I always preferred to stay in my school with my friends.)

    2 months ago30

  • nLucis

    If you did it willingly you didn't HAVE to do it.

    2 months ago30

  • RMSGH

    What is the job in DC? What are you doing now?

    2 months ago21

    • Scientistinvent92

      I’d be a project manager for a large electrical company. It’s one of the largest companies in the US. It would be close to 140k plus bonuses. I’m currently doing the same thing but for 80k

      2 months ago2

  • Pikalover10

    If you continue to entertain the idea of moving and maintaining a strong relationship with your son you need to consider if the pay increase will cover and give enough extra to make it worth the plane tickets. You should see your son more often than holidays and birthdays, whether you going to him or he coming to you, and consistent travel like that can really add up. If you do, say one flight a month at $300 that’s 3600 a year just in tickets. Then factor in food while traveling, a hotel if you’re the one going, etc. I would say stay where you are, start talking to lawyers about your custody options and if your chances look good, and most importantly talk to your son about it. If he doesn’t like his mom it’s one thing but if he loves her and doesn’t like how little he sees her pulling him out of state and even further away from her may hurt him. I’m not a parent nor a child of divorce so I can’t speak to the emotions there, but I know if my parents ever did divorce I would be both of their #1 priorities, and if they’d done it while I was younger neither of them would have ever considered working far away from me if they could help it.

    2 months ago20

  • No-Definition1474

    This is me, I was that kid. My parents split when I was 4 and both remarried. When I was 9 my mother moved to Hong Kong for my step fathers job. I preferred staying with my mom and it was an amazing opportunity for a kid to experience something totally new. My father did not want this to happen. So court it was. Lots and lots and lots of court. Both parents took me to shrinks to get them to testify on their behalf in court, the whole thing. I was asked to choose by the court, I wouldn't make a definitive decision so the court made it for me, I went with my mom and flew back for summers and Christmas every year. Then after 2.5 years, the job moved to Taiwan. This time I wanted to avoid the shit that was the court process so I wrote out a letter on my own stating my desires. I had wanted to go with my mom in the first place and just got lucky when the court went that way. This time I wanted to make sure I stayed with her. The letter pretty much sealed the deal and avoided much push back from my dad. Im sure it pissed him off too no end but...it was what it was. I wasn't very aware of the details of the process, I was a kid after all. But I know it was bad...as in...both sides brought in multiple family members to testify on their side, it got ugly. I tell you this to just inform, not to scare you with the ugly reality. My oldest is now 10. If somehow I were to be in a similar situation I would absolutely go through with it. I would fight as long as possible. Thats just me though.

    2 months ago21

    • JFKcheekkisser

      I mean that’s nice that you got to experience a different country as a kid but putting myself in your dad’s shoes, this was extremely depressing to read 😕

      2 months ago1

  • hungry24_7_365

    You should either fight for custody to take him with you or stay. A lot of parents say they take a job with more money to better provide for their kids, but your kid doesn't need more stuff he needs you. If your ex (along with her husband) are as terrible as you say they are it doesn't make sense to leave your son alone for him to fend for himself in that family structure where he has no alies or reprieve. Obviously I'm a stranger on the internet, but your son is so important more important that a job. Have you asked the job if the position could be remote? Have you asked family or friends about this? If so what have they said?

    2 months ago20

  • tellmesomething11

    Hear me out, please. People are saying that your son may be able to pick where he lives, but he’s ten. A quick google search showed that in Colorado, 14 is usually the age a child can pick a parent. But….it also states the courts are more inclined when all parties agree. Do you really want to put your 10 year old child in a courtroom and make him say aloud that he wants to live with you?? And having a five bedroom isn’t a factor, its where he’s lived his whole life, with his friends, family and community. * I think if you’re really serious about this, you should def consider mediation before leaving. You can have it arranged that you have him for school breaks and summers. That way it’s neat and tidy. And it’s only four years. And then you can put him on the stand. https://goldmanlaw303.com/how-old-does-a-child-have-to-be-to-refuse-visitation-in-colorado/

    2 months ago20

  • Apprehensive_teapot

    My step-son’s mom made a choice to marry a man who lived in a foreign country, and then she moved. It really crushed him. Whatever your son says about your potential move will be to keep the peace with you, but if you move he will be absolutely devastated. Right now it feels like you can maintain a relationship with him and also move to a new location, but that’s not how it will work out. You will miss out on all the little experiences that build a strong relationship. It’s hard, but he needs you. His life will be changed indelibly if you leave without him.

    2 months ago20

  • Primarywatcher_2

    Don't go. PERIOD. Figure something out. Money is NEVER worth precious moments with your child. The easy path is not always the best.

    2 months ago20

  • ctk041289

    You have two choices - do what’s best for you or for your son. If you make the first choice, just know that your son is going to resent you in the long run. I hate to be that blunt but my parents were separated and despite not having custody, he never put his kids second and I’m thankful to him for that.

    2 months ago60

  • Limited_Lover

    Take it to court I don’t think you’d lose. The judge would have to be an idiot to think you’re not the better option my only concern would be who would watch him while you work? Any plans for that yet?

    2 months ago41

    • Scientistinvent92

      No plans at all but that’s a really good question. Thank you

      2 months ago1

  • armaddon

    Came here to say something similar to some other posters. At the end of the day, all the money in the world won’t mean a thing when all your kiddo wants in the world is for you to *be there*. You can’t buy that, you can’t make up for it no matter how many Zoom calls you have, or however many holidays you come out to visit. It’s rarely “logical”. Heck, even if you did fight and get full custody, they might not be able to fight off the feeling in their heart that you “stole them away from Mommy”, no matter how toxic she might be. Not to say that you moving to DC is 100% not the best option in the end for everyone involved in the long run, and hey, your kiddo might never hold it over you (either internally or externally), but the odds are high that it will likely have some measure of negative effect on your kid (“Daddy issues is such a common trope for many reasons), and on your relationship with them for the rest of their lives. You might be moving heaven and earth “behind the scenes” to ensure they have a good life, and they’ll probably understand and even appreciate it over time, but if you’re stuck somewhere behind the curtain, you’re… behind the curtain.

    2 months ago41

    • Scientistinvent92

      This was probably some of the best advice I’ve received. Thanks a lot for this!

      2 months ago2

  • darkaurora84

    Don't fight for custody right away but take the job. As soon as you settled into your job and you have your new house furnished look for the best lawyer you can find and sue for full custody

    2 months ago00

  • high5fiver

    This is tough. Courts usually favor mothers and it's unlikely they will want to uproot his life in Colorado for a new one in Virginia. BUT, you have to try. You have to fight for your son. He will likely not understand if you just leave. And at 10, he can say what he wants and the court will consider it.

    2 months ago10

  • phased417

    Yeah you seem to have a pretty good chance of winning a custody battle

    2 months ago10

  • ILOVEMCU

    Dude talk to a lawyer. Don’t assume the situation automatically leans pro woman.

    2 months ago10

  • Accomplished-Tackle2

    Please don’t leave your son full time with “one of the most terrible people” you have ever encountered.

    2 months ago10

  • DRYGUY86

    Speak with an attorney on this. With you moving would just change some of the visitation. And as long as it’s not supervised it’s a lot easier to change time frames. Don’t give up your son to your ex if your not ok with her, your the father you have rights. Talk with an attorney before it’s to late, time is of the essence and you don’t want to lose your window.

    2 months ago10

  • Bobbyj36OEF

    Went to Iraq for a year to make 120k. Still have mixed feelings on if it was worth it

    2 months ago10

  • klenow

    I'm a parent, and I grew up with divorced parents who fucking HATED each other. Don't put career over your kids, PERIOD. Fight for custody and all of that, but unless you're at the point where you can't keep food on the table and a roof over their heads, your kids are infinitely more important than your job. Spend as much time as humanly possible with him. Do shit with him. Pursue his interests, and BE THERE. You will get another chance to advance your career. You will not get another chance with him.

    2 months ago10

  • Ok-Syllabub-132

    Dont know the moms side of the story so ill stay neutral but this is why the court need to be fair in this matter. So many terribke mothers who just becasue they are women can win a court case easily scrwing the guy over

    2 months ago10

  • JustVan

    Go and take him with you, or don't go at all. I think those are you only two options.

    2 months ago10

  • swampler22

    Don't leave your son. Absolutely no amount of money is worth it and you damn well know that. I'm not sure how your states laws work but in most a child at the age of 12-13 can choose which parent they want to live with. Get custody full custody first then worry about relocating later. And if it's any consolation, I'm in the same boat. When you said ""Sometimes I feel like I’ve been living for nothing else but this court custody based life."" Damn, that hit HARD. My daughter is only 6 so I have a little bit more time to go than you but luckily the mother and I actually get along 90% of the time. But until my daughter is old enough to decide she wants to live with me permanently or turns 18, I'm staying right here. Can't imagine my life without her. I had to fight tooth and nail to get my time with her and no amount of money, nothing on this earth, would cause me to sacrifice my time with her.

    2 months ago10

  • Similar_Election5864

    I left my son with his father to work. It's brutal. I won't lie, it's made life really painful, I miss him every day. However I financially provide for him where his father refused to (literally refused, he said: "why should I have to work when you have a job" we were not together when I left) My son is now in the custody of my mother. She looks after him while I work. I video call regularly and visit as often as I can. The key thing to prevent abandonment issues is contact, sending letters, photographs, video calls and phone calls. It's essential for the kid to know you are still there and still available if they need you. Leaving my son was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but for me there was no other choice. Edit: I know it's a different situation, but if you are still allowed contact, do it as much and as often as you can.

    2 months ago10

  • FigsvenStaysFrosty2

    Just be honest to your kid and tell him that you are going to work so that when he gets older he can come live with you. Video call him every day that way your still involved in their day to day activities. Simple as that

    2 months ago00

  • marinasnts

    I think you should get this job and fight for full custody. A better job will secure your son’s future. He is old enough to speak in court and if it doesn’t work I would get a flight to see him every weekend or so. It would be a pain because we are talking about a 4 hours flight but it is the only way to have both, a great job and see your soon in case you don’t have full custody.

    2 months ago00

  • theschnipdip

    That's a tough decision. If you spend any more time fighting you may just be barking up the wrong tree and you will lose this opportunity. That said, you mention you live in a 5 bedroom house so I am assuming you're already pretty well off with money. You could also sell the house and move into a smaller house. That is a tough decision not growing up without bio mom. But it seems like you're already out of the picture from what you said. Personally, I would cut my losses and pursue me and making a better me. When your son turns 18 you can extend your home out to him. Please note I do not have any children, so I don't know the emotional ties you have that you would have to sever. By severing this emotional bond will you be happy in your new job? Is your job worth not seeing your son? What are you willing to sacrifice to be with your son? You can still make arrangements to fly out to visit once a month or every other month. Try working a 9/80 schedule so you get a 3 day weekend every other week and then use PTO to take an extended weekend. Fly out that Thursday night to Colorado and leave Monday night and be home by Tuesday early morning.

    2 months ago00

  • MoneyIsntRealGeorge

    are you…Ted lasso?

    2 months ago01

    • Scientistinvent92

      I don’t get it

      2 months ago1

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